Five errors to avoid in your descriptions

This belongs in the word-choice-for-sellers series, I guess, or at least in the vicinity.  Why can't it go there?  Because I'm about to be spiteful and negative and not pull punches and Rena is lovely and sweet and generally a national treasure.

If you are trying to maintain a Positive Day, I happily invite you to scroll down and look through my tag list, there in the right column under my contact links, to look for something that looks interesting to read.  I'm not usually this nasty.  But I'm getting it out of my system today.

Still with me?  Okay.

Read on for a list of things never to do in an item description.

To be honest, many of these techniques are things that make you the perfect Etsy Seller.  That make you the audience for their Etsy Success newsletter.  And then it only takes a generally horrible attitude toward life and a lack of acquaintance with common courtesy and you're the perfect Etsy Forumdweller.  But more on my recent Forum experiences in a subsequent post.

Yes, Etsy says to do this.  And there's actually a reason that Regretsy mocks it: Sellers take the advice and slap it on like cheap stage make-up -- and take it from a former actor and stage manager: No matter the actor's skill at applying it, stage make-up looks gloppy and garish and flat and inept out of its context.

That said, don't do these things:

1. Use heavy-handed cutesiness.  The estimable comic April Winchell, as usual, said it best: "Etsy is like a mental hospital, only with paler colors.  And you know why this forced whimsy is spreading like a flesh-eating bacteria? Because Etsy suggests it. This is actually one of their business tips. Make a story! Create a wonderland! Tell a riveting tale about your $2 worth of cheap shit on a clothespin, and YOU CAN QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!"  Thanks once again for putting it better than I could. Since I have some remaining faith in humanity, I'm assuming that what Etsy bloggers mean by "create a story" is, after you have given the specs of the item, mention something like "These buttons and beads were sourced from estate collections; the beads were originally sold in the 1960s in long flapper-inspired strands." Not "I was walking in the forest and I found some faeries! They were wearing acorn hats!"  When I refer to a piece's "story," I mean the former.  The latter just sounds as though you're either slightly disturbed or, worse, treating your readers like small children.  More on this below.
2. Make your "story" the first part of your listing. Regarding the above: Even if you absolutely must work into your listing the story of how you found these beads in baskets at the farmer's market bursting with morning dew and bought them in exchange for a kiss, don't put it first. I've actually seen a couple of great story listings -- I can't find it now, but one was a very earnest Victorian botanist's letter home about an interesting new species of spider that spun this weird yarn.  This story was short, tongue-in-cheek, and placed at the end of the listing, after the real-world specs of the item, including yarn content.  If nothing else, this is wise for SEO (search engine optimization) reasons.
3. Stuff your title with everything vaguely relevant. It's annoying.  And guess what?  When your title is "AdOrAbLe RARE steampunk faerie FAERY fairy unicorn dust zombie LOLI Lolita Kawaii Goth Gothic Punk Cute Handmade UNUSUAL ***ONE DAY SALE!!!!!!!!!!*** Poison Ring" -- I can't tell what the item is from a search.  This is not a good thing.  Hypocritical of me? Yes, because I still insist on naming my pieces -- but with short names, names that sound like an artist's, not a boardwalk hawker's.
4. Condescend to your audience.  Remember that business truism "It takes several encounters to gain a loyal customer, but only seconds to lose one"?  One of the ways to get those few seconds in early is to make your reader feel like you are being generally condescending.  Ever gotten a letter containing such platitudes as "Apparently you did not carefully read the instructions" or "We appreciate your feedback and will refer it to the appropriate committee"?  That's condescending, and so is a heavy-handed "I'msocrafty!" attitude.  I strongly suggest to all who are writing descriptions a quick read of these articles: Martin Jelsema's, regardless of his odd usage of "incredulous," and Mary T. Kelly's, which is focused on personal usage but is relevant to the relationship-marketing atmosphere of handmade selling.  Read those and follow their suggestions, tone down the cute stuff in your descriptions, and then your reader will feel like a valued customer.
5. Make veiled disdainful remarks about other sellers.  "Unlike some sellers" should be used sparingly and with caution.  I could say "Unlike many Etsy sellers, I put time into my supply acquisitions and thought into my designs; my jewelry is never assembled from a kit, made from someone else's pattern, or put together at random."  I don't say it -- not because it isn't true, but because, this blog post notwithstanding, I maintain the old-fashioned ideal of modest, proper, pleasant professional courtesy.

Omit these five elements, and I will rashly promise that you will come across as a more sensitive, thoughtful, mature and competent person online.